Sunday, May 16, 2010

Sexology 101

Sex Tip 101: Drink warm tea before going down on your significant other.

Thats what I told my friend that asked me for sex advice. Apparently this crap I was thinking off the top of my head worked, because she called me asking me for more advice.

Sex Tip 102: Despite the position, arch your back

I'm sure I didn't make this stuff up myself, I know I've read it somewhere in the past. I can't possibly be an expert. I'm not even having sex!

Sex Tip 103: Masturbate during sex

I mean this is just common sense right. If your man isn't pleasing you, please yourself. It cuts down the cheating rates, I guess.

Sex Tip 104: While giving head (I'm sure that's the proper medical terminology) look him dead in the eyes.

I am assuming this makes you look more confident, like you actually know what you're doing. It could also make it look like you've done this way too many times before.

Sex Tips 105: Tell him he's the best you've ever had while you're having sex

You know men need an ego boost. Maybe he'll work extra hard to please you.

At this point, she is really into it. "Oh my God, tell me more. I want to try this stuff tonight." I am out of ideas because I've been celibate since Aug. I mean I haven't tried half this stuff myself, but she's always telling me how great my advice is and I didn't want to ruin my reputation (rethinking last statement).

Sex Tip 109: While on top do 8 strokes to tip only, very fast. Then 4 long slow strokes to entire shaft.

Yes at this point I am getting specific, and well - horny. I cut the conversation to a quick halt. She will be getting some tonight, but not me. My husband's in Iraq, and the toy I have is going to take away my husband's flame when he returns, and we don't want that.

"Ok, just one more before you go." she says. Is she getting off on this? This is the most action I've had in months.

Sex Tip 110: Pop in a porno, and play it during sex. The sexual moans and groans of other people is intoxicating.

"DialTone" and then the sounds that produce intoxication begin to play.

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The Adventures of Afro Man and Disco Girl by S. B. Robinson is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.