Wednesday, February 11, 2009

(I) Told You So

"I told you so!" Bite my tongue, bite my tongue! It's dying to come out, it's dying to come out. Oh no, here it is - the big blow! OH NO! And there it was, "I told you so." One of the worse things you can say to the person you love. I did it, again and again. How we want to be rewarded for when we are right, YET hurting the ones we love in the process.

"Stick and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me." Bullsh*t! Sorry to whomever came up with that "psych myself out" saying, but that just isn't true. Words do hurt, and the last people we want to hurt are the ones we love. How often do we get so emotionally wrapped up in anger that we yell things we regret later? "I told you so" doesn't always come in the form of a scream, nor does it always come in the form of anger. Sometimes it comes in the form of arrogance, and I think that is when we step over the line.

It doesn't matter how much you sugar coat the phrase, "Baby remember when I told you..," or "You should have done that a long time ago when I told you the first time, now look what happened," or "Now look what you've gotten us into, you never listen to me!" These are all ways to say, "I told you so." When we speak in "you" terms, it generally is NEVER good. Speaking in "you" terms is putting the blame off of yourself and onto the other person. If you are in a relationship, there will come a time in which "I told you so" is bound to come up in one way or the other. There are ways to save your relationship and stop the blame game.

When you are in a relationship, you should learn to accept responsibilities for both yourself and the other person. Here is an example: You have been asking your significant other to cut the grass for the last two weeks, and of course he hasn't gotten around to it just yet, but now it is too late. You've just been fined for your outrageous yard. You are boiling. You have been telling him everyday to cut that grass, and dang if he didn't do it. When he comes home, you are going to lay it into him. You were right and he was wrong. Lets look at this closely. You both live in the house, you both have been fined. Should one person be responsible for it? Maybe he should have done it, but unfortunately he didn't. So what is the proper way to approach this situation?

Situation A

Bob walks in from a long day at work, he is obviously tired and cant wait to relax.

Sue: Bob! Look at this! (waves fine in Bob's face). I told you to cut that d*mn grass, now we got to pay $50 for your laziness. You are so stupid! You can never do anything right. I cant believe I married a lazy slum like you.

Situation B

Bob walks in from a long day at work, he is obviously tired and cant wait to relax. Sue allows Bob to relax while she goes into the bathroom, to calm down. She does not want to exert her anger onto Bob. She knows there is a smarter way to get Bob to meet her halfway. A little later Sue enters the living room where Bob is sitting.

Sue: (kisses Bob) How was your day?

Bob: Not bad, yours?

Sue: Not so good.

Bob: What happened?

Sue: We got fined for our grass

<Lets stop here for a moment. Notice the "we." Sue is recognizing that this is her problem too, and partially her fault.>

Bob: Oh man, you told me to cut that grass. How much is the fine?

<Lets take another moment. DINGDINGDING. Bob recognized, "you told him so." This strategy is much better because he is recognizing his fault. Also note, he may not say aloud "you told me so," but he knows it, and is thinking it - so there is no reason for you to remind him. If you nagged him enough the last two weeks it is still fresh on his mind.>

Sue: The fine is $50.

Bob: Don't worry about it, I will take care of it. <uh-oh you have heard this before, and the tasks never gets done. Stop. Think. What is the best approach.>

Sue: We will pay the $50, and how about we work on the yard together? Maybe I can do the weeding while you do the mowing. Does that sound like a good idea?

<Why is this answer a winner? Because you are including Bob in the decision making. You are not making the decision for him (actually you are, but he doesnt know that). Also, you are making the task look less strenous for Bob by saying you will help>

Bob: (Bob agrees).

If you chose situation A, I don't how happy your relationship will be - BUT situation B is the better choice.

It will not be easy, and sometimes you will fail and those words will come out. Remember, those words are ways that will belittle your loved one. It will not make you look powerful or smart - but controlling and bossy. Keep in mind that "you" can sound blaming and that "I and we" sounds like you are also accepting responsibility. Being in a relationship is a team effort. You cant be the captain all the time. Sometimes the best way to make it work is sacrifice. You both have to do your parts. The key to a healthy relationship is meeting the other person in the middle. Good luck in your love!

Monday, February 2, 2009

Porn - (Can Women Watch It and Not Feel Ashamed)?

In a world where sex sells, why are so many women shy about porn? This question came to me last night when we had a small gathering at my house. The women were outnumbered by the men and the subject of porn came up. Of course the men were all for it. It is a proven fact that men think about sex more than they think about anything else.

I admitted that I enjoyed porn, but my close friend immediately grew uncomfortable. She said she did not understand why someone would want to watch anyone else have sex. She was totally disgusted. On the other hand, her husband was the complete opposite. Admitting to watching things that I would never admit to. Like cartoons having incestuous sex, animals getting their freak on, and curious women participating in sexual activities with those outside their own species. I thought it was hilarious. Unfortunately my dear friend, began to blush - hide her face in her shirt, and her face was turned into a expression like there was a bad stinch in the room.

I have met so many women who just do not agree to porn, or maybe they just won't admit it. Regardless of that fact, the question still stands - can women watch porn and not feel ashamed? Of course my response is, why the hell not? Watching people do it, is hot! What is so bad about it? I say when you're married you can do any freaky thing you want and not feel guilty. Hey I recommend it. If you plan to get married and STAY married, the freak in you may have to come out.

I compare sex to food. It is a need, a nourishment, and when watching others do either, a reaction is bound to happen. For example, I like watching cooking shows. The food looks so delicious I immediately get hungry. Of course I can't smell the food, taste the food, or even feel the food - I still have a desire to eat. I do not have to eat the food I am looking at, I just need to eat food. Porn is the same way. When watching two people engage in something that is completely natural, I admit, it's arousing. I don't want to have sex with the people on the screen, I just want to have sex.

So you are probably wondering at this point, how can I get into porn? Well, some of you may never get into it. It may not be your thing. BUT, if you are considering, I recommend beginning your journey watching soft porn. What is soft porn you ask? Basically, if you ask some, it's not real porn. You will see breasts, some vagina pubic hair, and some butt cheeks - that's about it. No penises involved. Literally. There is no real intercourse, just the illusion. The great thing about soft porn is that they have a story line (the acting is not good), but you're not watching it for Oscar purposes. Hey, now that I think about it, it is just like soap opera's! If you decide porn isn't so bad, you can continue to watch this or you can move to the hardcore porn.

What is hardcore porn? This is what you have to brace yourself for. IT INCLUDES PENISES. Yes real one's! Curved ones, short ones, long ones, strong ones. You get my drift. You will see them go in and out of places that you didn't know they could go. The vagina will be so close to the camera, you will be able to perform surgery. You will see every position being performed from a 500 page Kama Sutra manual, things you didn't even think possible. I caution watching these with your significant other, he may want to experiment with you. If this happens, remind him that these are professionals. If he saw a athlete sprint a entire mile in one minute, would he expect you to do that to?

Don't knock it - until you try it. You just might like it. If you don't, that's okay too. It doesn't mean something is wrong with it or you. Just because you do not agree with it, does not mean everyone else shouldn't either. Don't be caught up in the idea of what women should do and be. That was a bunch of bull crap rules that a man came up with, so that he could maintain power. We are working these days and coming home to second shift jobs of cleaning, cooking, and watching children. If I want to kick back with a beer, a remote, and porn. I should be able to do so without being judged.

With that said, some porn can be pretty brutal, even I wouldn't watch it. There are some sick minds out there producing it. At the same time there are some female porn producers who consider women in their work. If your first porn experience was one in which the man seems to be the only one getting pleasured, I see why you've been turned off. Different porn for different people. Some porn can be borderline abusive to women (and vice versa via dominatrix). So weening out the good from the bad can be hard. Look for female producers on the box before you buy.

In conclusion, can women watch porn and not feel ashamed? Of course they can. There is nothing to be ashamed of. Having sex is part of human nature, just like food, shelter and water. If you don't agree, lets agree to disagree. On the other hand if you have suddenly been persuaded to open up your mind and try it, good luck! (Hope you enjoy it).
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The Adventures of Afro Man and Disco Girl by S. B. Robinson is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.