(I) Told You So

"I told you so!" Bite my tongue, bite my tongue! It's dying to come out, it's dying to come out. Oh no, here it is - the big blow! OH NO! And there it was, "I told you so." One of the worse things you can say to the person you love. I did it, again and again. How we want to be rewarded for when we are right, YET hurting the ones we love in the process.

"Stick and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me." Bullsh*t! Sorry to whomever came up with that "psych myself out" saying, but that just isn't true. Words do hurt, and the last people we want to hurt are the ones we love. How often do we get so emotionally wrapped up in anger that we yell things we regret later? "I told you so" doesn't always come in the form of a scream, nor does it always come in the form of anger. Sometimes it comes in the form of arrogance, and I think that is when we step over the line.

It doesn't matter how much you sugar coat the phrase, "Baby remember when I told you..," or "You should have done that a long time ago when I told you the first time, now look what happened," or "Now look what you've gotten us into, you never listen to me!" These are all ways to say, "I told you so." When we speak in "you" terms, it generally is NEVER good. Speaking in "you" terms is putting the blame off of yourself and onto the other person. If you are in a relationship, there will come a time in which "I told you so" is bound to come up in one way or the other. There are ways to save your relationship and stop the blame game.

When you are in a relationship, you should learn to accept responsibilities for both yourself and the other person. Here is an example: You have been asking your significant other to cut the grass for the last two weeks, and of course he hasn't gotten around to it just yet, but now it is too late. You've just been fined for your outrageous yard. You are boiling. You have been telling him everyday to cut that grass, and dang if he didn't do it. When he comes home, you are going to lay it into him. You were right and he was wrong. Lets look at this closely. You both live in the house, you both have been fined. Should one person be responsible for it? Maybe he should have done it, but unfortunately he didn't. So what is the proper way to approach this situation?


Situation A

Bob walks in from a long day at work, he is obviously tired and cant wait to relax.

Sue: Bob! Look at this! (waves fine in Bob's face). I told you to cut that d*mn grass, now we got to pay $50 for your laziness. You are so stupid! You can never do anything right. I cant believe I married a lazy slum like you.


Situation B

Bob walks in from a long day at work, he is obviously tired and cant wait to relax. Sue allows Bob to relax while she goes into the bathroom, to calm down. She does not want to exert her anger onto Bob. She knows there is a smarter way to get Bob to meet her halfway. A little later Sue enters the living room where Bob is sitting.

Sue: (kisses Bob) How was your day?

Bob: Not bad, yours?

Sue: Not so good.

Bob: What happened?

Sue: We got fined for our grass

<Lets stop here for a moment. Notice the "we." Sue is recognizing that this is her problem too, and partially her fault.>

Bob: Oh man, you told me to cut that grass. How much is the fine?

<Lets take another moment. DINGDINGDING. Bob recognized, "you told him so." This strategy is much better because he is recognizing his fault. Also note, he may not say aloud "you told me so," but he knows it, and is thinking it - so there is no reason for you to remind him. If you nagged him enough the last two weeks it is still fresh on his mind.>

Sue: The fine is $50.

Bob: Don't worry about it, I will take care of it. <uh-oh you have heard this before, and the tasks never gets done. Stop. Think. What is the best approach.>

Sue: We will pay the $50, and how about we work on the yard together? Maybe I can do the weeding while you do the mowing. Does that sound like a good idea?

<Why is this answer a winner? Because you are including Bob in the decision making. You are not making the decision for him (actually you are, but he doesnt know that). Also, you are making the task look less strenous for Bob by saying you will help>

Bob: (Bob agrees).

If you chose situation A, I don't how happy your relationship will be - BUT situation B is the better choice.

It will not be easy, and sometimes you will fail and those words will come out. Remember, those words are ways that will belittle your loved one. It will not make you look powerful or smart - but controlling and bossy. Keep in mind that "you" can sound blaming and that "I and we" sounds like you are also accepting responsibility. Being in a relationship is a team effort. You cant be the captain all the time. Sometimes the best way to make it work is sacrifice. You both have to do your parts. The key to a healthy relationship is meeting the other person in the middle. Good luck in your love!