The Adventures of Afro Man and Disco Girl (Exerpt)

"Ahhh!!!!! We're being attacked by 1985!" the blond woman screamed as she saw the flamboyantly dressed man rush into the bank.
"That's right! This is a hold up!" shp shp the sound the activator made as he sprayed his dripping wet curls. He ran and jumped on top of the bank counter (split!) his tight red leather pants ripped and the crowd was surprised at the revelation of a pink thong. "I'm Jheri Curl and I'm robbing this joint." He sprayed the teller in the eyes with his activator, "Now fill this bag with the dough lady and make it quick, I got a hair appointment."
Meanwhile in a studio apartment uptown dancing to the sounds of Gloria Gaynor was the infamous, Afro Man and Disco Girl. "This is a radio interruption. On the corner of 18th street and Penn is a bank robbery in progress. The police are outside of the premises trying the negotiate with the man describe as a tall thin black man, wearing a tight red leather suit and dripping hair...."
"Jheri Curl!" Afro Man and Disco Girl said in unison. "Lets head down there quick!" Disco girl swung her long blond hair, and ran to the 1976 rusty orange Ford Pinto and Afro Man followed closely behind.
Upon arriving at the scene, Afro Man and Disco Girl notified the police that they were very familiar with the suspect and had everything under control. Despite the police protests, Disco Girl threw her shiny silver disco ball and the bank door swung open. "I'm Disco Girl!" She jumped in in, her rainbow color mini dress with bright colored sequins glimmered blinding many of the customers.
"And I'm Afro Man!" Afro man jumped next to Disco girl in his tight stonewashed jeans and tie die shirt, "Where's the culprit?"
They was directed to an older gray haired gentleman in a suit holding Jheri Curl. "Release!" screamed Afro Man as he threw his black power afro pick, the sharp metal comb stung the gray-haired gentleman in the neck, causing him to release Jheri Curl and grab his neck in agonizing pain. Jheri Curl ran out of the bank with his large bag of money.
"You idiots!" someone screamed
"We had him, and you let him get away!" screamed an angry bystander
"Well I'm Disco Girl!" she swung her blond hair and stood tall with her arms folded, "and I'm Afro Man" he put his back to Disco Girl. "And you're welcome for our service!"

Hi everyone, thanks for reading an exerpt from my story "The Adventures of Afro Man and Disco Girl." This is a tale about two 1970s "superheros" trying to defeat a 1980's villian in the modern day. I really would like for this to be a comic, but I'm not an artist. If you are willing to collaborate with me please contact me at Twitter.com/deycallme_blizz (and follow). Hope you enjoyed this.

Sexology 101

Sex Tip 101: Drink warm tea before going down on your significant other.

Thats what I told my friend that asked me for sex advice. Apparently this crap I was thinking off the top of my head worked, because she called me asking me for more advice.

Sex Tip 102: Despite the position, arch your back

I'm sure I didn't make this stuff up myself, I know I've read it somewhere in the past. I can't possibly be an expert. I'm not even having sex!

Sex Tip 103: Masturbate during sex

I mean this is just common sense right. If your man isn't pleasing you, please yourself. It cuts down the cheating rates, I guess.

Sex Tip 104: While giving head (I'm sure that's the proper medical terminology) look him dead in the eyes.

I am assuming this makes you look more confident, like you actually know what you're doing. It could also make it look like you've done this way too many times before.

Sex Tips 105: Tell him he's the best you've ever had while you're having sex

You know men need an ego boost. Maybe he'll work extra hard to please you.

At this point, she is really into it. "Oh my God, tell me more. I want to try this stuff tonight." I am out of ideas because I've been celibate since Aug. I mean I haven't tried half this stuff myself, but she's always telling me how great my advice is and I didn't want to ruin my reputation (rethinking last statement).

Sex Tip 109: While on top do 8 strokes to tip only, very fast. Then 4 long slow strokes to entire shaft.

Yes at this point I am getting specific, and well - horny. I cut the conversation to a quick halt. She will be getting some tonight, but not me. My husband's in Iraq, and the toy I have is going to take away my husband's flame when he returns, and we don't want that.

"Ok, just one more before you go." she says. Is she getting off on this? This is the most action I've had in months.

Sex Tip 110: Pop in a porno, and play it during sex. The sexual moans and groans of other people is intoxicating.

"DialTone" and then the sounds that produce intoxication begin to play.

A Poor Man's Career (Do You Concur?)

I'm writing this in the middle of my studying, which is not going very well. I cannot get into it, because it does not interest me. When I decided to go back to college, I chose a science major because I knew I would have a better chance at a career that included getting paid. Needless to say - I'M BORED!

Artsy people like myself know that "art" is an investment career. Some of us don't have anything to invest. Whether your art is painting, photography, acting, music, or writing... well lets face it - Those are "Poor Man Careers" it takes money to make money in those fields, and well if you have obligations (and no money), POW! And good luck!

Ok, ok there are a lucky few of us that make it. Some of us make it big too. I don't know any of those people personally, but I do own a television.

I've noticed since I have started studying science, I've become more serious, I say "I concur" and I invent really big words to make myself sound more intelligent. I am so out of my element. Adding to me feeling out of place is the fact that I am one of the few Americans in my classes. Everyone around me is speaking in their dialect and I am sitting there playing drums with my pencil. People are turned off by sense of humor, and everyone is so damn serious! Do you concur?

My health is also starting to fade, headaches everyday because I'm trying to study stuff I just do not understand. Science is going to kill me. Science is a villian, and art is the superhero! Save me ART!

Confession time, in high school I kissed up to my Biology teacher, played on the fact that she dated my uncle. I went from a "F" in her class to a "B" never studied. I was even excused from dissecting the frog, I got to dissect one on the computer instead. Chemisty with Ms. Sheffield, I cheated. I sat in the back and cheated off of a young girl named Melanie. I slept through the lectures, or daydreamed. Often drawing pictures on my desk. So what the hell am I doing majoring in science? uh.... I can't even answer that.

All jokes aside, I'm hoping my studies in science will help me reach my goal of becoming a successful writer, and in the end science will be defeated by art. I will use my scientific knowledge to write a great novel. Look forward to it. Otherwise look forward to my lifelong career in a white labcoat turning into a lifetime in a white straightjacket. Do you concur?

Marriage is NOT a Sin

I decided to write this post based on a controversial topic that we were having at work the other day. A co-worker (we will call her Elizabeth) said, "You know that gay marriage might be legal in DC now?" I replied, "Oh, really?" I guess she could hear in my tone that I did not really care. So she asked my other co-worker (We will call her Sunny). "So do you care if gay people get married." Sunny said, "No, why should I?" Elizabeth replied, "Because it would ruin the sanctity of marriage." I wanted to reply but both Sunny and I was laughing so hard we could not say anything.

Ruin the sanctity of marriage, hmmm.. Lets take a close look at this one. The sanctity of marriage has already been ruined by many heterosexual people, through lying, deceit, adultery and divorce.

She went on to say that the bible says, "A man should not lay with another man." I said, "So you don't agree with homosexuality?" Honestly, I would have been pleased with that, I mean she did just quote the bible. But instead she said, "No. Gay people can't help being gay. I just don't think we should let them get married."

"What? Did you not just say a man should not lay with another man? And that God did not make Adam and Steve?" I think that is what took the cake for me. Personally, I believe everyone interprets the bible differently. I also know that the bible has been used in many cases to justify people's belief, it has been used to justify slavery (which she did not agree with). It was also used to argue that interracial couples should not marry. Well..... If you are going to used the bible to argue that gay people should not get married, at least say that it is because you think that people should not be gay. I mean not one place in the bible does it say marriage is a sin.

Her friend came along, and he even went so far as to say, "We cannot give these people too many rights?" That was appalling. Control human rights? He said, "Next thing you know people will be marrying animals." That is ridiculous, animals can't even talk. Besides, that is not the issue at hand. We are talking about two human beings who love each other. Who are being violated, because they are being stripped away of a human right. 20 years together and nothing to show for it? I could not imagine that. I love my husband, and would have been devastated if the law had prevented us from marrying.

Elizabeth then mentioned, gay people raising children. FACT 1: Gay people are already raising children. Heterosexual children. If you really want to get technical. Gay people are the product of straight people. Many heterosexuals are raising homosexuals and vice versa.

Elizabeth then said, "If gay people get married, the world will end." The world has been corrupt for a long time. If that is what ends the world, so be it. Let God judge, let people's fate be in the hands of God and not other human beings.

But what really made Elizabeth angry was the fact that Sunny and I was really against child rape, she compared that to homosexual marriage. Are you serious? No one is getting hurt when 2 people love each other and get married. We are talking about 2 consenting adults in that situation. A child does not consent to rape. It is 2 different things. She said, "no it isn't they are both sins. Sins are equal in the eyes of God."

A rapist is a sinner. A liar is a sinner. A cheater is a sinner. A thief is a sinner. We are all sinners, but guess what? Those of us who are straight sinners are allowed to marry. Remember marriage is not a sin. Let God do his job, he knows what he is doing. Love all people, be them gay or straight, that is our job. Hope you enjoyed this, have a blessed day.

(I) Told You So

"I told you so!" Bite my tongue, bite my tongue! It's dying to come out, it's dying to come out. Oh no, here it is - the big blow! OH NO! And there it was, "I told you so." One of the worse things you can say to the person you love. I did it, again and again. How we want to be rewarded for when we are right, YET hurting the ones we love in the process.

"Stick and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me." Bullsh*t! Sorry to whomever came up with that "psych myself out" saying, but that just isn't true. Words do hurt, and the last people we want to hurt are the ones we love. How often do we get so emotionally wrapped up in anger that we yell things we regret later? "I told you so" doesn't always come in the form of a scream, nor does it always come in the form of anger. Sometimes it comes in the form of arrogance, and I think that is when we step over the line.

It doesn't matter how much you sugar coat the phrase, "Baby remember when I told you..," or "You should have done that a long time ago when I told you the first time, now look what happened," or "Now look what you've gotten us into, you never listen to me!" These are all ways to say, "I told you so." When we speak in "you" terms, it generally is NEVER good. Speaking in "you" terms is putting the blame off of yourself and onto the other person. If you are in a relationship, there will come a time in which "I told you so" is bound to come up in one way or the other. There are ways to save your relationship and stop the blame game.

When you are in a relationship, you should learn to accept responsibilities for both yourself and the other person. Here is an example: You have been asking your significant other to cut the grass for the last two weeks, and of course he hasn't gotten around to it just yet, but now it is too late. You've just been fined for your outrageous yard. You are boiling. You have been telling him everyday to cut that grass, and dang if he didn't do it. When he comes home, you are going to lay it into him. You were right and he was wrong. Lets look at this closely. You both live in the house, you both have been fined. Should one person be responsible for it? Maybe he should have done it, but unfortunately he didn't. So what is the proper way to approach this situation?


Situation A

Bob walks in from a long day at work, he is obviously tired and cant wait to relax.

Sue: Bob! Look at this! (waves fine in Bob's face). I told you to cut that d*mn grass, now we got to pay $50 for your laziness. You are so stupid! You can never do anything right. I cant believe I married a lazy slum like you.


Situation B

Bob walks in from a long day at work, he is obviously tired and cant wait to relax. Sue allows Bob to relax while she goes into the bathroom, to calm down. She does not want to exert her anger onto Bob. She knows there is a smarter way to get Bob to meet her halfway. A little later Sue enters the living room where Bob is sitting.

Sue: (kisses Bob) How was your day?

Bob: Not bad, yours?

Sue: Not so good.

Bob: What happened?

Sue: We got fined for our grass

<Lets stop here for a moment. Notice the "we." Sue is recognizing that this is her problem too, and partially her fault.>

Bob: Oh man, you told me to cut that grass. How much is the fine?

<Lets take another moment. DINGDINGDING. Bob recognized, "you told him so." This strategy is much better because he is recognizing his fault. Also note, he may not say aloud "you told me so," but he knows it, and is thinking it - so there is no reason for you to remind him. If you nagged him enough the last two weeks it is still fresh on his mind.>

Sue: The fine is $50.

Bob: Don't worry about it, I will take care of it. <uh-oh you have heard this before, and the tasks never gets done. Stop. Think. What is the best approach.>

Sue: We will pay the $50, and how about we work on the yard together? Maybe I can do the weeding while you do the mowing. Does that sound like a good idea?

<Why is this answer a winner? Because you are including Bob in the decision making. You are not making the decision for him (actually you are, but he doesnt know that). Also, you are making the task look less strenous for Bob by saying you will help>

Bob: (Bob agrees).

If you chose situation A, I don't how happy your relationship will be - BUT situation B is the better choice.

It will not be easy, and sometimes you will fail and those words will come out. Remember, those words are ways that will belittle your loved one. It will not make you look powerful or smart - but controlling and bossy. Keep in mind that "you" can sound blaming and that "I and we" sounds like you are also accepting responsibility. Being in a relationship is a team effort. You cant be the captain all the time. Sometimes the best way to make it work is sacrifice. You both have to do your parts. The key to a healthy relationship is meeting the other person in the middle. Good luck in your love!

Porn - (Can Women Watch It and Not Feel Ashamed)?

In a world where sex sells, why are so many women shy about porn? This question came to me last night when we had a small gathering at my house. The women were outnumbered by the men and the subject of porn came up. Of course the men were all for it. It is a proven fact that men think about sex more than they think about anything else.

I admitted that I enjoyed porn, but my close friend immediately grew uncomfortable. She said she did not understand why someone would want to watch anyone else have sex. She was totally disgusted. On the other hand, her husband was the complete opposite. Admitting to watching things that I would never admit to. Like cartoons having incestuous sex, animals getting their freak on, and curious women participating in sexual activities with those outside their own species. I thought it was hilarious. Unfortunately my dear friend, began to blush - hide her face in her shirt, and her face was turned into a expression like there was a bad stinch in the room.

I have met so many women who just do not agree to porn, or maybe they just won't admit it. Regardless of that fact, the question still stands - can women watch porn and not feel ashamed? Of course my response is, why the hell not? Watching people do it, is hot! What is so bad about it? I say when you're married you can do any freaky thing you want and not feel guilty. Hey I recommend it. If you plan to get married and STAY married, the freak in you may have to come out.

I compare sex to food. It is a need, a nourishment, and when watching others do either, a reaction is bound to happen. For example, I like watching cooking shows. The food looks so delicious I immediately get hungry. Of course I can't smell the food, taste the food, or even feel the food - I still have a desire to eat. I do not have to eat the food I am looking at, I just need to eat food. Porn is the same way. When watching two people engage in something that is completely natural, I admit, it's arousing. I don't want to have sex with the people on the screen, I just want to have sex.

So you are probably wondering at this point, how can I get into porn? Well, some of you may never get into it. It may not be your thing. BUT, if you are considering, I recommend beginning your journey watching soft porn. What is soft porn you ask? Basically, if you ask some, it's not real porn. You will see breasts, some vagina pubic hair, and some butt cheeks - that's about it. No penises involved. Literally. There is no real intercourse, just the illusion. The great thing about soft porn is that they have a story line (the acting is not good), but you're not watching it for Oscar purposes. Hey, now that I think about it, it is just like soap opera's! If you decide porn isn't so bad, you can continue to watch this or you can move to the hardcore porn.

What is hardcore porn? This is what you have to brace yourself for. IT INCLUDES PENISES. Yes real one's! Curved ones, short ones, long ones, strong ones. You get my drift. You will see them go in and out of places that you didn't know they could go. The vagina will be so close to the camera, you will be able to perform surgery. You will see every position being performed from a 500 page Kama Sutra manual, things you didn't even think possible. I caution watching these with your significant other, he may want to experiment with you. If this happens, remind him that these are professionals. If he saw a athlete sprint a entire mile in one minute, would he expect you to do that to?

Don't knock it - until you try it. You just might like it. If you don't, that's okay too. It doesn't mean something is wrong with it or you. Just because you do not agree with it, does not mean everyone else shouldn't either. Don't be caught up in the idea of what women should do and be. That was a bunch of bull crap rules that a man came up with, so that he could maintain power. We are working these days and coming home to second shift jobs of cleaning, cooking, and watching children. If I want to kick back with a beer, a remote, and porn. I should be able to do so without being judged.

With that said, some porn can be pretty brutal, even I wouldn't watch it. There are some sick minds out there producing it. At the same time there are some female porn producers who consider women in their work. If your first porn experience was one in which the man seems to be the only one getting pleasured, I see why you've been turned off. Different porn for different people. Some porn can be borderline abusive to women (and vice versa via dominatrix). So weening out the good from the bad can be hard. Look for female producers on the box before you buy.

In conclusion, can women watch porn and not feel ashamed? Of course they can. There is nothing to be ashamed of. Having sex is part of human nature, just like food, shelter and water. If you don't agree, lets agree to disagree. On the other hand if you have suddenly been persuaded to open up your mind and try it, good luck! (Hope you enjoy it).

BILLS BILLS BILLS

So today I got a call from Janice, who obviously works for a credit control company. She left me a voice message, "Hi (my first name goes here), this is Janice calling in regards to a personal business matter."

Immediatly I thought, "How the hell did Janice get my cell phone number? And why is she calling me by my first name." Just because I owe her company money doesn't mean she knows me (or does it).

I decided to call Janice back. I mean I would like to speak with her about my PERSONAL business matter. The extension she left me lead me straight to her desk.

Janice: Hello (business name here) Janice speaking.
Mrs. Robinson: Hello Janice, this is Mrs. Robinson you left me a message this morning.
Janice: Oh, (my first name here) Robinson?
Mrs. Robinson: Yes. What is this in reference to?
Janice: So how is your day going so far?
Mrs. Robinson: It was fine until I received a message about a personal business matter.
Janice: (laughs) Well (my first name here), may I call you that?
Mrs. Robinson: No thanks.
Janice: (laughs) Well... (she goes on to tell me the amount I owe. Than begins to carry on a conversation with me. About whether or not I had children and so on.)

By this time in the conversation I didn't know whether I owed Janice's company money or if she was trying to sell me something. Well eventually "long winded" Janice got back to business.

Janice: So how will be you be paying today, credit card or check by phone?
Mrs. Robinson: Well Janice I enjoyed speaking with you. It's nice to have some adult conversation for a change. How about next time I call you?
Janice: Excuse me?
Mrs. Robinson: Next time I will call you, I have your number now.
Janice: Is this in regards to your payment? (Janice went from pleasant and friendly to business strict).
Mrs. Robinson: Sure why not. Have a wonderful day Janice.
Janice: (silent)
Mrs. Robinson: Goodbye now. Don't wait up for my call. It may be awhile. Thanks for everything. (I hang up the phone).

So if you work for a credit control company, I advise not using the "we are old friends" strategy. It NEVER works. But even though Janice didn't get her money, she did get a darn good conversation out of me.